April 1 — I couldn’t care less what this post does for my journalistic integrity because there’s far more at stake with these predictions for the 2007 Major League Baseball season.
If my picks come closer to fruition than my buddy Ken’s, then it’s a free no-holds-barred, 5-star dinner in Las Vegas sometime in January 2008 Even better, it’s relentless smack-talk at Ken’s expense in front of our other friends and making the whole experience like a new inmate’s first night in Shawshank.
If I lose, then I might as well come to dinner wearing nothing but powdered lye and carrying a bible provided by the warden because it will be hard time served in the southern Nevada desert.
The American League Eastern Division Champions: The New York Yankees. Alex Rodriguez earns the right to be called A-Rod this year.
The American League Central Division Champions: The Minnesota Twins. Pesky and good.
The American League Western Division Champions: The Anaheim Angels. However, no one would be happier than me to watch these guys suffer season-long incontinence. I’ll never forget 2002, nor should any San Francisco Giants fan.
The American League Wild Card: The Boston Red Sox. They’re still hung-over from 2004 but they’ll do damage.
The National League Eastern Division Champions: The New York Mets. Meet them and greet them (but watch them fall just short in October).
The National League Central Division Champions: The St. Louis Cardinals. Tony, put the Korbel down, wake up and realize that you have enough money from your contract AND last year’s World Series share to hire a driver. Idiot!
The National League Western Division Champions: The Los Angeles Dodgers. Heave. Gag. Barf. Vomit. Any one else sick of Jeff Kent’s smug mug?
The National League Wild Card: The San Francisco Giants. They’re just dysfunctional enough to stave off Philly! Sadly, you won’t call the Giants 2007 World Series Champions.
Now, it gets good. (# of Games it takes to win the series is positioned to the right of predicted winner.)
A.L.C.S.: New York Yankees (5) vs. Boston Red Sox. A-Rod makes Jeter jealous for a fleeting second.
N.L.C.S.: New York Mets vs. Los Angeles Dodgers (6). Ugh, pull my throat out and stab my eyes already!!!!
2007 World Series: Los Angeles Dodgers vs. New York Yankees (6). Unfortunately these teams can’t emulate the endings of "Reservoir Dogs" or "The Departed" and off each other. Sadly, one team has to win and the Evil Empire it is.
And now the awards that people care about (especially when their teams have been pummeled and they need to hang their hat on something):
American League Cy Young Award Winner: Johan Santana. He’s good.
National League Cy Young Award Winner: Barry Zito. Honest to God.
American League Batting Champion: Derek Jeter. Does anything more need to be said about him?
National League Batting Champion: Miguel Cabrera. He wants money.
American League Home Run King: Alex Rodriguez. I swear this guy shows he’s for real this year.
National League Home Run King: Barry Bonds. Just kidding. Alfonso Soriano.
American League Rookie-of-the-Year: Daisuke Matsuzaka, RHP Boston Red Sox. Hickory dickory dock, the Dice Man cometh.
National League Rookie-of-the-Year: Chris Young, CF Arizona Diamondbacks. Why not?
Ken, I take my prime rib medium rare. Bring it.