Tagged: Bloggers

Alyssa Milano Must Buy Me Dinner!

Now I’m not kidding.  Feel free to give me suggestions as to what I should order at the Ivy.  Thanks to Barry Bonds and fantastic late inning pitching, my meal is on Alyssa Milano.  Giggity goo!

I started looking at the menu after Bonds put one into orbit in the first inning to give the Giants a 4-0 lead.  Those LA fans who were all set to arrive in the third inning probably turned around and drove home to watch the sunset (instead of a great game between two NL West rivals).  I lost my appetite, though, after Noah Lowry wobbled through 4 innings and allowed the Dodgers to tie the game at 4 runs apiece. 

Alyssa must have been licking her chops.

And Randy Wolf’s curveball just got filthier by the second and Grady Little couldn’t pull him soon enough!  The thought of an ex-Philly and his Tommy-John-surgically-repaired-arm depriving me of the wine list was enough to make me almost silently weep.  No clinking glasses, no declaring that I am the boss.

Thankfully, Lowry found his curve, the setup men kept the Dodger faithful silent and Armando (yes, Armando) sat the Dodgers down in order for a perfect ninth.  I couldn’t help but think about dessert and getting through the paparazzi who will undoubtedly be waiting for Alyssa and me as we depart our evening supper on a lazy summer evening.

Jeeze, that means I’ll need a slick outfit so I’ll look great when we’re splashed all over the pages of OK! and US WEEKLY!

Once Milano gets a load of these posts, though, I’ll probably have to contend with a restraining order instead of selcting culinary delights and high fashion.  Before her legal team tries to thwart our Hollywood hof brau, this Giants fan is going to sit back and savor what the team has served for 7 consecutive games:  wins.

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Alyssa Milano Must Be Destroyed!

Just kidding.  But it’s on!

First, she refused my request to call Barry Zito and say things that any man in a slump needs to hear.  Secondly, she’s a Dodgers fan.  Thirdly, she NEVER would have dated me when I was single.

She’s hot, she’s "Charmed" and she’s a *******’ Dodgers Fan… and this Giants fan is ready to take her on (or just get her attention so he can tell his friends, ‘Hey, Alyssa Milano talked to me AGAIN today’).  Hence, we’re totally in a fight. 

Now our teams are locked in battle in an NL West showdown down in the land of men who take 140 minutes to do their hair.  With Luis Gonzalez dribbling into a 4-6-3 double play in the 8th, those same guys are leaving to go home and put some more wax in their faux hawks.

It’s too bad because Armando Benitez always manages to do his best to help anyone other than the Giants win.  Tonight is no exception, either, thanks to two hits and closing the game by baaaaarrrrrely getting out Rafael Furcal in a footrace to first base.

But it’s 1-0 in favor of the Good Guys.  (I love calling a team with Barry Bonds "Good Guys"!  It drives everyone nuts!)

It’s 1-0, in favor of Keith.  Loser buys the winner dinner at The Ivy.  My wife is TOTALLY cool with that.

Your team just got paddled like you did by Marky Mark Whalberg in "Fear"!  How does that feel?  You like that!?  Hit me with your best shot, Alyssa!

The Warm Fuzzy Feeling of Doom

I now know how the Cincinnati Bengals felt in Super Bowl XXIII with 3 minutes to play.

I now know how the Los Angeles Lakers, Portland Trailblazers, Phoenix Suns and Utah Jazz felt the second they took the court and saw the guy with #23 on his Bulls uniform.

Doomed. 

At the same time, I painfully rejoiced over what it feels like to be a Giants fan and that’s living with the guarantee of a late inning collapse.

Matt Cain did his part to prevent the inevitable with a 7-inning, 2-hit shutout performance, but the bullpen did a lovely job of not finding the strike zone and generally looking miserable.  (To think that Armando Benitez had no part in this chokejob is almost unimaginable!)

Giants fans can thank Vinnie Chulk, Jonathan Sanchez and Kevin Correia for gagging this one.  Thank you, guys.  You’re peaches.

It would be easy to deflect my anger by ripping apart the Colorado Rockies.  I could call them a joke franchise or say that their park is for mouthbreather fans (or the 4000 or so mouthbreathing fans who decide to show up) and I won’t even get into the Christmas trees in the bullpen.  I’m above that.  There is no need to divert my anger by pointing out that the Rockies have lame purple jerseys. 

The Giants get and deserve the full brunt of my wrath (but if you read what I write enough, you already knew that).  The second I saw Matt Cain sitting on the bench in the 7th inning getting pats on the back with a three run lead was enough to make me groan and squirm.  The anger already began to brew and here’s why:

  1. 3 runs is never enough in Coors Field because the park blows.
  2. 3 runs is never enough in Coors Field when you are a member of the San Francisco Giants bullpen.
  3. 789529870262498 runs is never enough in Coors Field when Armando Benitez is the San Francisco Giants’ closer.

Admittedly, the bullpen alone didn’t entirely blow the game.  They did have Pedro Feliz yet again making a case for my pregnant wife to take his place in the line-up.  (Brian Sabean?  Can you read this?  HOW ABOUT THIS?  IS THIS BETTER?  IT IS?  GOOD.  READ THIS:  PEDRO FELIZ STINKS.)  Even Feliz, though, didn’t manage to allow a homerun to Steve Finley and walk two batters.  Man, the walks.

When the game was ultimately blown, I was incensed for sure, but the relative calmness that enveloped me was the feeling of doom.  Doom is now a comfort as a Giants fan because it’s a known feeling that has made a metamorphosis into a safe feeling.  Doom is my knitted blanket that keeps me warm while watching the Giants throw another season down the toilet.

Now bring on the Cardinals!

****: Brief Observances of the Giants’ Face Plant

-That was certainly worth the wait, wasn’t it? 

-Pedro Feliz’s every movement, breath, fart or whatever brings A-Rod an inch closer to San Francisco in 2008. 

-Zito wasn’t awful, but walking Jose Cruz, Jr.!?  Anyone but that guy!

-Giants fans, stop booing when Barry Bonds gets walked.  To those listeners calling KNBR and saying what a beautiful day it was regardless of the game’s outcome, stifle it.  You sound like the people East Coast fans say we are.  Knock it off.

-Randy Winn = Bust.

-I am more of #5 hitter than Rich Aurilia.

-The pregame show MC’d by a tuxedo’d Jon Miller was the best production Giants management has staged in my nearly 35 years of existence.  Sadly, they know how to produce a good song-and-dance act rather than a championship team.  Maybe Magowan should just run "Avenue Q" at A.T.&T. Park nightly and forget baseball.

-Renel Brooks-Moon isn’t Bob Sheppard.  It’s great that San Francisco is a progressive city but the voice of a baseball game shouldn’t be shrill.  The PA announcer experiment is over.

-Jeffrey Leonard is the only guy who can take the field at an old timers event with his hat on backwards and pull it off.

-I am still surprised to see Mike Cameron’s head in one piece.

-Will Clark has gotten to know Krispy Kremes very well during retirement.

-I’m thrilled that Bonds stole a base.  I’m even more thrilled to see him not attempt a slide at the plate.

-Mayor Gavin Newsom stayed from the first pitch to the last, perhaps thinking that chicks dig the long ball and civics.

-Try watching Barry Zito pitch while sitting next to an A’s fan.  If you haven’t set yourself on fire within 2/3rds of an inning, consider buying a lottery ticket.  An A’s fan is the dumped-girlfriend-trying-to-put-on-a-brave-face (and failing) in the Bay Area.

-Lance Niekro is like the last season of "Family Ties" with all the retrospective episodes:  He grabs a bat.  He strikes out.  Press repeat.

-Armando Benitez gets to sleep tonight knowing that, for one day, the other relievers ****** more than he does.

-From Yankee Fan Ken:  "Zito relies too much on his curve.  If it’s not working he is average.  It’s not working today."  Is there anything more infuriating than a Yankee fan who’s right?

-There’s only 161 more to go and they’d better turn it around, like, now.

So Easy, Even a San Francisco Giants Fan Can Do It.

Geico Cavemen aren’t the only ones getting it stuck to them.  Here’s how to get past the oppression and enjoy the season to come.

So this is what I get from the boss regarding my last column:  “The other thing is we just wanted to ask that we keep the off-color jokes to a minimum.  We didn’t change anything this time, but this season we really are pushing for a larger audience (and [we] will see Foxsports.com picking up more of our stuff; so yea [sic], prostitute jokes [as seen in “Your San Francisco Giants:  Excitement or Excrement?”] may not help.)”

Now I have to worry about propriety and decency when it comes to FOX, the network who brought you “Who Wants to Marry a Millionaire?”, “When Animals Attack”, “The Simple Life” and the Iraq war.

It occurred to me as I got admonished that I am a lowly Giants fan:  Primitive, simple and expected to accomplish only base achievements.  I’ll grunt, huck a bone in the air when pleased with a win by the Giants in May and then drag my knuckles in shame as my team finishes (again) without a World Series championship.  I and my kind are the Geico Cavemen of the baseball world.

By gleaning the hostile quotes from the cavemen, we can get an idea of the Paleolithic existence of a San Francisco Giants fan:

Caveman1“Okay, first of all, I’m not 100% in love with your tone right now.”
And why should I be?  I have to worry about editors ragging on me for decency standards and then I’m coping with the defensive tenor of Brian Sabean.  So says Sabean regarding his tired blueprint of building around Barry Bonds and relying on veterans yet again:  “It’s the way it turned out.  If there’s rancor, so be it, but it’s going to get decided on the field.”

“So be it”!?  I’d be 100% in love with Sabean’s tone if he simply took the podium and said, “We signed Bonds to sell tickets.  The managing partners want to continue to rake in cash hand over fist and Bonds makes the casual fan/Google-dorks buy club level seats.”

Caveman2 “Tina’s here we’re getting back together.”
“Hey, give us a minute!”
Rich Aurilia and Russ Ortiz are back in the fold, but let’s not start skipping and blowing kisses to each other just yet.  These guys aren’t the same players who Giants fans adored a half-decade ago.  Just put them on the field and see what they can do, but don’t expect cartwheels from the fan base until they put up solid production and contributions.  We’ve got other **** to worry about, like not ever winning a World Series for one.

Caveman3_2 "My mother’s calling.  I’ll put it on speaker."
Like our caveman who handles his cell phone in his therapist’s office, Giants fans are capable of multi-tasking and handling complex concepts, such as invigorated baseball smack.  We are not all left-leaning, tree-saving non-competitors who would rather watch a game well played than care about the outcome.  You can throw us right into the cesspool of other fans who think they’re God’s gift to baseball, like the Yankee louts or the Philly ****** or the Cubby losers.  Not only can we talk the talk, we can make sense.  Giants fans boo Armando Benitez because he deserves it.  Yankee fans boo A-Rod because they’re idiots.  We don’t have the #1 market in the country, nor do we have ESPN in our backyard, but Giants fans can dish it out responsibly when the chips are down without the whine factor.

Caveman4 "I’ll have the roast duck with the mango salsa."
"I don’t have much of an appetite, thank you."
I admit it.  I am excited about this year’s team but as my friends remind me on a daily basis, we all know how this is going to end.  The Cactus League makes me throw all rationale out the door and the team I see now is one that makes me kind of tilt my head, nod and say, "Yeah, they might have enough to get to the playoffs!"  I want to slovenly devour the sumptuous dish known as 2007 Giants baseball, yet history demonstrates that I should turn away from this steaming pile that the Giants front office always re-heats and throws in front of me.  I’m such a ****** and the poster child for placated fans.  I take back what I said about NY, Philly and Cubby fans.  Sort of.

"Seriously, 4 feet by 5 feet… Well apparently not because I’m looking right at it."
Caveman5Yes, I know they got Barry Zito to be the face of the franchise and I liked the signing of the speedy Dave Roberts, but this team in desperate need of an overhaul still isn’t overhauled.  The big sign still reads, “New Faces, Same Product” and there isn’t a lot you can do to convince me otherwise.  Don’t tell me the sign’s been taken down.  The AARP-eligible line-up, the absence of a closer since Robb Nen and the over-reliance on Bonds is staring at me plain as day.  The formula hasn’t worked since J.T. Snow got blocked, flogged and tagged by Ivan Rodriguez in the ’03 NLDS.  Granted, Sabean landed Barry Zito, but it is still Bonds’ team and the business plan for the construction and maintenance of the roster is stale.

Stop the subjugation of the Giants fan, whether that’s in print, a round-table baseball discussion or even if you’re the very person responsible for fielding the team we love.  We look funny, but there’s nothing funny about our plight.

And, no, I didn’t wake up on the wrong side of the rock.